Part 2: Assertiveness: Saying “Yes” When You Mean “Yes” and Saying “No” When You Mean “No”

Assertive and confident

Welcome back! 

I hope you had the chance to try out the exercise on “Feeling Your Feelings” in Part 1. 

What was it like to actually feel the sensations in your body for a moment or a few moments– perhaps pulsating or swirling or pounding or flowing through?

Like an emotional personal trainer, you have taken a pulse of your current emotional fitness, let’s return to the questions in our last post to practice building an Assertiveness Mindset.

Take a moment to honestly ask yourself:

Do you find it hard to stand up for yourself?

Do you find it hard to say “no” when you mean “no”?

Do you find it hard to end a relationship or leave a job that is no longer serving?

If you answered “Yes” to any (or all) of these questions, let’s consider what might be behind this. 

According to a number of therapists and modalities—including EMDR, Family Constellations (http://www.hellingerpa.com/constellation.shtml), and The Tombstone Process (http://www.shadowwork.com/tombstonecd.html), every action we take (or don’t take) comes from love. 

This means that everything we do—absolutely everything! – whether it ultimately turns out to be helpful or hurtful, was originally born out of love. From our desire to be loved and to be connected to people we cared about most.

Sometimes, though, to be connected to people we love, we take on their painful qualities or traits.

For example, to feel connected and loved by a perfectionist, always-dieting mother, you might have “taken on” being a perfectionist yourself, and very body conscious.

Or, to feel loved by a workaholic father, you may have “taken on” becoming a workaholic adult who chases promotions and achievements.

Or, to feel approved by a domineering teacher, you may have “taken on” become a soft-spoken adult who doesn’t feel you have the right to challenge authority.

So the fact that you struggle to stand up for yourself, and to give voice to what is true for you, does not mean anything is wrong with you. 

It simply means that somewhere during your life (probably in infancy or childhood), you learned you could get love and safety best by not standing up for yourself, or by saying “yes” even when you really wanted to say “no”.

That’s right: there is nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all.

The fact that as an adult these patterns are now programmed in you makes sense. Our brain strengthens its well-worn pathways every time we repeat an action.

So if you have practiced saying “yes” when you mean “no” for ten or twenty or fifty years, you may feel like you want to do things differently, but consciously or unconsciously you may not actually believe you can change.

I'm here to tell you that you can! It just takes commitment (which you already have, since you’re reading this), a lot of kindness and practice, and small steps forward towards the version of yourself you want to be .

Let's start with these questions:

What is the thing you most need to tell someone or ask someone, but which fear has kept you from saying?

What “no” do you need to tell someone? 

In what particular way are you ready to stand up for yourself?

Again, every painful thing we carry can be understood as our way of loving someone who mattered to us. Identify who you silence yourself for, who you silence as your way of loving them. Then let’s explore how you can still love this person, while no longer silencing yourself.

Reviewing these three questions, identify the response that has the strongest charge for you:

Then ask yourself, if you have been carrying this dynamic of silencing yourself as a way of staying connected to someone you loved, who might this be for?

• Who did you love who taught you to silence yourself in this way? 

• Who did you love who (unconsciously) rewarded you for silencing yourself? Perhaps with love and/or safety?

• Who did you love who silenced themselves in a similar way? 

• Who might you be carrying this “silencing” for, as a way to stay connected to them?

Allow yourself to feel how it feels to carry your dynamic of silencing yourself for this person that you love. Allow yourself to feel how heavy this has been in your life. And how you carried it all  time, from love.

Now, and this is the most important part: Could you risk for even just one moment to let go of this burden that you are carrying for this person who you love, and just love them?

Can you let yourself fully love this person without needing to carry this silencing, this holding back?

Who would you be, what would it mean about you and your life, if you could let go of the burden you are carrying for this one that you love— and just feel the love you have for this person beneath it?

_____

Remember, nothing is going to change over night, or in fifteen minutes. But if you really let work with one (or more) of these processes—and you do so gently, patiently, and with love—these patterns will transform. We begin with awareness and compassion and grow with small micro-actions that move us in the direction of the change we want to make.

You deserve to live a life that is full and loving and courageous. You deserve it. It’s the hardest thing sometimes to believe that. Believe it anyway.

It’s time to stop living in the shadow of the life you most yearn to live:

Ask your boss for that raise you’ve been waiting for.

Leave a job or relationship that is not healthy for you anymore.

Apply for that job and initiate that relationship that excites and inspires you.

Be clear and honest about how much time you have to help others.

Most of all, be true to yourself.

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