Take this Quiz: Is My Relationship Worth Saving? (lots of resources packed in here!)

couples therapy offers a space to restore sexual intimacy, trust, and your bond

You’ve been on great vacations together. Faced family members’ deaths together. Friends’ divorces. Birthing a child and raising kids. Losing jobs, promotions; new cities, new friends, new paths. Making discoveries you never imagined.

You’ve loved. Journeyed. Fought. Loved again. Journeyed some more. Fought some more. Loved again, more.

Yet somehow, here you are, asking (or at least considering…) this question: Is my relationship worth saving?

Being in a marriage, or relationship, you will have felt that it offers both some of the most deeply rewarding experiences and some the most challenging ones. It asks of us honesty, in all things. It asks of us friendship and joy, especially to ourselves. And it asks of us courage, to love wholeheartedly and allow ourselves to be wholeheartedly loved.

For reasons you may be able to name or may not be able to find words for, you may find, or have found, yourself thinking...

• Your marriage never felt quite “right” from the start;

• Your relationship went through a tough challenge and doesn’t feel the same anymore;

• You changed, or your partner changed, and it’s no one’s fault, but now you’re moving in different directions;

• You or your partner have met someone new;

• Time and growth has made you aware that you want a different life from the one you’ve been living.

What do you do when you face these questions: Is my relationship worth continuing to invest in? Is my marriage worth saving? Do I want to stay?

These are not easy questions, or ones to take lightly. 

This quiz is here to get your wheels turning, a kick start for reflection…it focuses on five core areas of any intimate partnership.

I hope these questions will provoke insights regarding: Where are you now? Where is your marriage or partnership? What do you really long for? 

(Please be aware: while I have written these questions as sensitively as possible, I am aware that they may trigger really difficult feelings. If they do, please do not continue with the quiz, and please consider reaching out for professional support.)

Let’s get started...

1. Respect: Do you respect your partner? Do you feel respected by your partner?

a. We both respect each other a lot. That’s why I can’t figure out why I am feeling so confused about our relationship.

b. Sometimes I respect my partner, and sometimes I feel like they respect me. But then there are times where it doesn’t feel good. Like I don’t feel respected, or like I don’t respect them. It’s hard to explain.

c. I hate to admit it… but no… I don’t respect them and/or I don’t feel respected. Yet, somehow, I still don’t know if I am ready to leave.

2. Enjoyment: Do you enjoy spending time with your partner? Do you feel your partner enjoys spending time with you?

a. Yes. I really enjoy spending time together, and I feel the same thing from my partner. We haven’t spent a lot of good time together recently. Maybe that’s why I am feeling like this...

b. Sometimes, you know, I love being together and sometimes it feels weird or awkward, or like I don’t even care, or I don’t even matter. And then there are our fights that leave me reeling for days. It’s confusing.  

c. It feels awful to say… but no. I really don’t enjoy spending time with them and/or I really love spending time with them, but I don’t feel like they enjoy spending time with me. I wish it was different. But it’s not. I just want to finally be honest about that.

3. Trust: Do you trust your partner? Do you feel your partner trusts you?

a. Yes, I do, almost all the time. Even if things feel unclear sometimes-- I know we can talk through things. I really trust them, and feel trusted. Is it okay that sometimes I feel doubts?

b. Usually, but not always. Sometimes I doubt if I can trust my partner. Or, sometimes I feel like my partner doesn’t trust me and I really wish they would. It’s not predictable.

c. Not really. I want to. I pretend to, even. But I don’t trust my partner and/or I don’t feel trusted. It feels pretty horrible to be with someone and feel that. But is that really a reason to leave?

4. Intimacy: Do you enjoy being emotionally and/or physically intimate with your partner? Do you feel your partner enjoys being emotionally and/or physically intimate with you?

a. I really do. And I usually feel that my partner feels the same thing. So why am I questioning my marriage?

b. Depends. Sometimes, I really love being emotionally and/or physically intimate with them. But sometimes I don’t, and I can’t totally name why. Also, I don’t know… sometimes it feels like my partner doesn’t enjoy being intimate with me. I try not to say anything, but it makes me feel rejected.

c. I’ve not felt emotional and/or physical intimacy with my partner for a long time. I don’t know or even care how my partner feels about it. Or I’m sure they don’t want intimacy too, which shuts me down even more.

5. Truth: What do you truly, secretly long for? Do you want to stay or do you want to go? If no one else’s happiness mattered, if no one held any judgements: what is the next step you would take?

a. I really want to make this marriage work. So much. I don’t want to lose this. I know it’s so special. I just don’t know what’s happened to make it feel so distant and rocky. And I don’t know what to do about it.

b. I don’t know. I really mean it. I feel confused. There are good pieces and bad pieces. Will I ever find someone who loves me like this again? I don’t know how to make it on my own...

c. I really wish I had the courage to leave. I don’t know if I do, or ever will. I have known this deep in my heart for a long time. I’m afraid to say this aloud. I’m afraid to take the leap...

--

Whew. 

Well done! You made it through five brutally honest and challenging questions. Hopefully, you have learned something about yourself and your relationship, as well as gained more clarity about where you want to go.

Remember: no matter how perfect people’s Facebook or Instagram photos look, almost every couple faces these questions from time to time. There is nothing wrong with questioning the future of your relationship. The real question is: what do you want to do with your questions? How do you use these questions and doubts to grow more into who you long to be? 

Questions and doubts can offer the impetus to deepen into your relationship and commitment with each other, and to deepen into your relationship and commitment to yourself. Questions can invite you both to explore your relationship’s contours. Questions can also be the invitation we’ve been waiting for - for a long long time - to finally begin the groundwork to leave a relationship we don’t want to stay in anymore. 

Remember, you get to be part of making that choice.

Now let’s dive into the scoring categories, and examine more closely what next steps are right for you. 

Scoring Categories:

If you answered mostly A’s... you may be feeling “Wobbly, but Invested”

Key Features

When you think about your relationship, you carry a deep sense of having a solid, rich, loving connection with your partner. You may be facing a rocky patch right now, or some triggering event may have just occurred that’s causing you to question your marriage. Whatever has happened, it sounds like you feel deeply committed to staying and investing with your partner. It sounds like you really want to figure out a way to build even more trust, respect, love and intimacy.  

Remember “Wobbly, but Invested” one, that ups and downs in relationships (as in life) are perfectly normal. Even healthy. They are a sign of dynamism and life force. They are a sign that you are each growing in your own ways and that you are paying attention to the ways that growth is shifting patterns in your relationship. 

Going Forward

The next steps for you are to develop a fuller range of tools or practices for both: 

(a) befriending and deepening with yourself, and

(b) befriending and investing more deeply with your partner.

Sometimes when things feel uncertain with your partner, your inclination may be to want to fix things immediately. To make the discomfort go away. 

Your go-to approach may be to dive deeply into a long “processing” session with your partner: processing with your partner the ins and outs of your doubts and confusions and feelings.

Or you may find that your M.O. is to disappear, to hide, or to get really busy with things. Any thing. So that suddenly you find that you have no time to face these hard feelings and questions that matter so much to you.

Whichever approach you tend to take, first of all, give yourself a break! Literally. Let yourself have some light, fulfilling, happy alone time. Either totally on your own, or with other friends (besides your partner). 

Reconnect with yourself. Take a yoga or meditation class. Go for a hike or a swim. Get a massage, go for a long bike ride. Take a cat nap. Take yourself out to that great new restaurant you’ve been hearing about that you’ve been wanting to try. Take yourself on a picnic, to the beach.

Reconnecting with what you love is a vital way to bring yourself back to your center of gravity. From here, you can be more clear about how to meet your partner with whatever you both are facing. You’ll be able to bring joy and lightness to whatever deeper conversations and processing are needing to take place. You’ll also find you have more to offer your partner, since you’ll be replenished. You may even find your partner appreciating you more for your courage, groundedness and ability to take care of yourself. 

Once you feel recharged, consider what relationship tools you may want to develop next to be able to show up more fully for your partnership (and to have the courage and clarity to ask your partner to show up more fully too.)

Some tools, resources and books you may find helpful:

• Nonviolent Communication for Couples

• Feelings and Needs lists

• Active Listening

• Stan Tatkin, Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship

• John M. Gottman & Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert

• Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

If you answered mostly B’s... you may be feeling “Confused, Do I Stay or Do I Leave?”

Key Features

You treasure some aspects of your marriage, or relationship, but feel unsettled by other aspects. You at times genuinely feel loving and loved, trusting and trusted, intimate and delighting in your partner. But a lot of the time, this isn’t the case. You feel confused. Why is it like this? Do I stay and invest? Or do I leave… and start to build a new life?

Going Forward

Like for “Wobbly, but Invested” the first step forward is in building a stronger, more loving, grounded, authentic relationship with yourself. We need to know who we are before we try to figure out how to navigate a rocky relationship. We need to feel connected to the good in the world. We need to remember that we deserve to be treated well, and that we deserve to love ourselves.

In addition to the strategies mentioned in Category A, you may also find it helpful to read: 

A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown

The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson

You may also find it helpful to listen to your favorite guided meditations on self-love, self-acceptance, and coming home to yourself. Or listen to short talks by inspiring teachers. Some ones we like from a range of backgrounds are:

Pema Chodron, Buddhist teacher and author

Maya Angelou, Poet, activist, author, dancer, professor 

Brene Brown, Researcher, professor, author 

Jon Kabat-Zinn, Professor, Creator of Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Clinic

And 17 of the Most Inspiring TED Talks

You may also find it helpful to make spontaneous art collages, take an expressive dance class, go for a run, or take a hot yoga class. You might also try sailing or surfing. Find a way to get into your body that takes you out of the repetitive worried thoughts cycling through your head. 

Often our thoughts about relationships are filled with doubt and worry, regret and fear. There is nothing wrong with these thoughts ... except that they are not true! But if we keep listening to them for long enough, it can sure seem like they are. Find ways to get away from your thoughts for a while, sink into your body. Remember how great it is to be alive.

From that place, consider journalling, talking to a friend, a working with a therapist to explore more deeply your feelings about your relationship.

If you answered mostly C’s... you may be “Scared, but Ready to Leave”

Key Features

Your relationship sounds like a place that is for the most part without trust, joy, respect, and intimacy. You are sticking it out, but you don’t sound like you really want to be there anymore. You don’t sound like it honors you or your partner. Maybe you feel guilty about calling an end to it? Maybe you feel scared that if you leave you won’t be able to support yourself? Maybe there are children, debt, investments, elderly parents. 

Whatever it is that is keeping you in this relationship, a strong (possibly silent, secret) part of you wants to get out. That voice inside you may be getting stronger and louder, asking you not to ignore it anymore. 

Still, you may not be sure. How do you really know you should leave?

Going Forward

For anyone who has ever been here… this is a really hard place to be. Buddhist teacher and author Pema Chodron talks about her experience leaving her second marriage as an intense experience of groundlessness in When Things Fall Apart. 

There may be no way around this groundlessness. Especially if there is a relationship that is dying, or wanting to die -- there is probably a lot of pain right now. And sadness, regret, rage, resentment, and “if only...”.

This is a good time to notice if you’ve been isolating yourself from other people you care about, and/or if you’ve been avoiding spending quiet and nourishing time alone with yourself. Perhaps even to avoid feeling your feelings clearly.

Your relationship sounds like it’s been, and is, a challenging place to be. You may be feeling depleted. You may be feeling low self-worth. You may be feeling isolated and alone. 

Let us start by reminding you, all of this is okay. You have started in the perfect place: by being honest with yourself about what’s really happening. This is all we can ever do. Start right here.

When you’re ready to take the next step, it’s time to prepare sustenance and get ready for the journey ahead. You are at the beginning of a whole new life.

(It may help to record your patterns in the following areas for 2-4 weeks, in a journal or with an app, so you can self-monitor, or share it with a therapist.)

• Get plenty of rest. But don’t overdo it. There is no way around it - getting enough sleep is vital for everything. Even for preparing to re-examine your marriage or relationship. You need to make sure you are rested. That you can think and feel clearly. Find a balance with sleep. Not too much, not too little. 

• Be loving with what you eat. Like sleep, eating in a way that is good for your body will give you more strength and self-empowerment than you may realize to make the changes you need to make. See if you can bring more fresh fruits and vegetables into your daily meals, and cut out some of the sugar and processed food. Notice if there are foods or drinks you are binging on to numb your feelings. Pay attention to what changes you may want to make.

• Spend time exercising, and being outside in nature. Yes! Our bodies hold onto feelings, especially painful ones. When we exercise and go for walks outside, not only are we keeping our body healthy and toned, and breathing in fresh air, we’re also giving any stuck emotions a chance to get shaken up. We’re giving our bodies and minds a reset.

• Take care of your emotional and/or spiritual needs. Listen to an inspiring talk. Connect over a tea or the phone with a friend. Go on a meditation retreat. Take a yoga class. Swim in the ocean. Spend a morning lost in ecstatic dance. Volunteer in a shelter or spend the afternoon with your favorite animals. Read motivational  quotes. It’s important to find your way into balance again in a way that uniquely nourishes you. 

• Consider and plan out your next steps. Think through what you need to know, what you need to do, and what you need to prepare for. Are there conversations you need to have? Do you have savings, or need to build up some savings? Do you have ways to get support with childcare? What are your main fears? What questions do you have? What information would help you to be brave?

• Reach out for help from loved ones. Making a big life transition, like stepping out of a marriage, can bring many emotions with it. You don’t have to do this alone. This doesn’t have to be the worst thing that ever happened. This can be the threshold of a new season in your life, of a whole new life, as it has been for so many others. Let people in who will support and affirm you as you step forward into your truest self.  

• Find a therapist who is experienced in working with people in relationships, especially with people who may be ending or leaving them. If you don’t already have a therapist, consider looking for someone who is caring and who you trust. Especially at such a vital time in your life, you deserve to feel supported without shame, and to receive guidance as you figure out where you are, and what next steps you want to take. The main thing is to recognize that it’s okay to ask for help from a professional, and that it may be the key to creating a life that honors you. If you are looking for a new therapist, I would love to hear from you. Schedule your FREE 30-minute video session so we can figure out next steps together.

Above all, remember, to trust yourself. You alone know what is best for you. Trust that place deep inside, where all your wisdom and intuition resides. Even if you have been cut off from this place for a long time, it is always there. Begin by trusting yourself. Then ask, what is the next step I need to take? Then… take it!

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